Dark Entries

Everything I couldn't say or show anywhere else


part 1 The bro chronicles
Eyeliner, books
benningtongrrl
It began at one of the lowest points in my life. I was drinking every day and occasionally going on speed binges with a new potential boyfriend. He was a fair skinned fat guy with a charming face that had fairly decent taste in music. I had never really been involved with a guy that had similar interests as I did, so at first the union was very refreshing. I was so lonely and depressed at the time and in desperate need of company. He would get a prescription of Adderall filled every month and share it with me and sometimes others until it was gone. We'd hang out in his grandma's basement where he lived and play music. Since I was Japped out on speed and horny as a goat I'd occasionally let him fingerbang me and give me head multiple times till I squirted all over the place, then we'd talk about life. He had a crazy freakishly ugly ex that would come over and start shit. When she'd be on her rants, I'd have to hide until she went away. That alone was almost enough to make me not want to get too involved with the guy, but then he dropped a bombshell on me.
One night while we were having a confession session, he admitted that he spent time in a juvenile prison. I did, too, no biggie, right? WRONG. It turned out that he was convicted of some type of homosexual pedophilic sex crime in his mid teens. It was kind of earth shattering, but since he had the courage to spill his guts about it to me and explained how he had been ritualistically and repeatedly raped throughout his childhood, I took pity on him. Before I knew it, he was telling me he was in love with me. I didn't know what to do. All of my friends were hanging out there on occasion to drink and eat his speed, so I couldn't really just cut him off because doing so would completely ruin my social life. I was so conflicted. I began to become very fond of this guy, but after hearing the fucked up rapenews, I had no clue how to feel about him anymore.
After a couple of months passed, I had a big fight with my folks and had no where to go but his place. Of course he welcomed me, but there was a catch...his brother was also going to be spending a few days with him. Eh, I figured we'd be a nice little group based on what I knew about his brother, whom I had only met twice before. Within a couple of days his brother and I began to figure out that we had much more in common than brother #1. I felt brother #1 start to get jealous. I started to become attracted to brother #2. We recorded a song together, he burnt me a Leonard Cohen CD, gave me a Strokes Tshirt, and one night we scraped up change communally to get beer and cigs. Brother #1 was of course too lazy to walk to the store in the December freeze, so #2 and I went alone. The walking and talking with him only made me even more attracted to him. Besides that I had never recorded music with anyone before, and I felt like it connected him to me even more from that point.
We got back to the basement and started drinking. #1 passed out quickly, leaving #2 and I alone for the most part. We were sitting in front of the computer making playlists. I kept thinking of how badly I wanted him, but figured there wasn't a snowball's chance in hell he'd go for me. Besides that, it would be wrong to hit on a guy with his brother who is in love with me sleeping just a few feet away from us. But then, out of no where, he kissed me. I kissed back and then pulled away, but he was relentless. Before I knew it we were naked. He stood up, held out his hand and led me to the bathroom. We fucked like beasts. One of my feet were bleeding from carpet burn (I still have a scar to this day). I even let him come in me. We laid in the floor of the bathroom naked for a few minutes and then started messing around again. Then we heard #1's voice...
"You guys in there?" I quickly jumped up and ran into the adjacent laundry room to make an attempt to hide. "We're busted!", I whispered. #2 Answered and confirmed that yes, we were in there. "Why won't you guys come out?" #1 asked. Before I had the chance to make up anything, #2 answered him again, coldly, saying "Because we're naked and our clothes are in the floor in there."
FUCK!

How Embarrassing
Eyeliner, books
benningtongrrl
For some reason when I'm severely drunk I feel the urge to get on the internet and fuck with people.  Last night I went back to my Facebook account and posted a horrifically pornographic status post.  I went back this morning and deactivated it again.  I apparently must have IM'd a bunch of random people that I didn't know and called them names like "pissbreath" and "frozen turd fucker".  I feel pretty stupid about it because I just received an email from the guy that's trying to get me published asking me why I did that.  I'm scared I may have fucked up.  Uh-oh.

(no subject)
Eyeliner, books
benningtongrrl
I'm off to bed to get fucked by my fat, hairy boyfriend.  I'm gonna love it.

Writer's Block: High school musical
Eyeliner, books
benningtongrrl
If you had to choose a theme song for your middle or high school years, what would it be, and why?

Seventeen-Janis Ian

Weirdos
Eyeliner, books
benningtongrrl
I wish there were a tag or link I could click on that would just magically wisk me away into a community of depraved, perverted, violent misanthropes.

Where are you?

Facebook Is Evil
Eyeliner, books
benningtongrrl
I did it.  I Deactivated my Facebook account.

I feel like such a douche for what I'm about to say.

...It was a process.

After getting sick and fucking tired of people I know personally leaving awful, unintelligent, stupid bullshit about their kids, their jobs, their "lives" and their "busy days", I thought about how HARD Facebook was making me hate people who are my real friends, acquaintances, and family members.  Aside from their bullshit "statuses", I also had to wade through their gay fucking apps that made me cringe.  I got sick of being invited to shit like pampered chef, sex toy, babyshowers, and avon parties that I wouldn't be caught dead in by people I know...and being told how bogus I was for not responding to the invites. 
So, I made a decision.  I deleted everyone I knew in real life from my Facebook, and kept people that were just internet connections.  At least those people would have something to say that I would actually give a shit about or find entertaining.  After a while my real life friends caught on that I had deleted them and became furious with me.  Then I had the sudden realization that maybe it wasn't everyone else.  It was me.

I sincerely just don't quite like anyone that I know.
 
It became devastatingly depressing to know that no who who exists to me in reality really knows or understands me.

I just deleted the fucking thing.

Facebook did nothing but elucidate the fact that I can't get along with people unless they're big friggin weirdos like me.  I've ended up basically cutting off most of my friends and family.  Now I'm lonely.   

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